So, yah. I should be writing an essay right now but I am having a horrible time focusing. I feel horrible. I had a minor panic attack tonight. Well idk if I would even really call it a panic attack. I have been having trouble breathing for the past week and I don’t know why. Which really sux because I am exhausted all of the time. It’s like I feel horrible enough as is, and now I can’t breathe half the time so I am exhausted. Basically tonight I was having trouble breathing and I was stressed and kinda started choking. Well I pretty much just got frustrated by the fact that I couldn’t breathe. I was basically just blaring music and trying to ignore it but that didn’t work all that well. It was a weird feeling though. Cuz I was coughing and struggling to breathe and I am sure I sounded horrible but I couldn’t really hear it because I had head phones on. Lol. But yah, I did get kinda bad. I was about to collapse partially from exhaustion partially from not being able to breathe. I didn’t want to collapse on my floor though because I was concerned that one of my roommates would walk in with me on the floor and that would be bad. So I went over to my bathroom and sat down against the wall and kinda let myself just collapse. That was interesting. I was just laying there in the dark on my bathroom floor. I have recently decided that I like being in the dark in the bathroom because it is pitch black. But yah, this wasn’t just being in there, this was actually just laying there on the floor struggling to breathe. It actually helped me calm my breathing down a lot faster than usual tho so I guess it isn’t that bad. Then one of my friends came. I was still pretty out of it and about to collapse but I went outside with her. It was sprinkling so we couldn’t sit on a bench cuz they were all wet and I could barely walk because I was still feeling pretty horrible. So we went and sat in this little area by our building that we call the wind tunnel. Lol, luckily it wasn’t all that windy tonight. We basically just sat there against the wall for a while. It was actually pretty nice. It was a good way to relax some. Then we came back. I went in my room but I still couldn’t get any work done. I felt horrible. I have been so depressed, angry, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted etc. I am having a really difficult time dealing with everything. I feel so desperate. I just need a break but I can’t get one. Even weekends aren’t a break. The past couple weekends I spend Saturday doing nothing and feeling insanely depressed. Last Saturday the whole not being able to breathe thing was really getting to me so all I wanted to do was sleep all day. Then on Sunday I get up to go to work then come back and get really stressed about how much work to do. I usually end up staying up really late and getting very little done then going to sleep when I give up and cannot bear to be awake any longer. Then I have weekdays where I get up early and go to class then come back in the evening and get almost nothing done. I have had several nights where I have literally done like nothing. Like I haven’t accomplished anything tonight and it is already 11. I hate myself. I can’t deal with this. I am so exhausted. I am physically about to collapse. I have been so depressed that half the time I can barely function. I am so completely overwhelmed and drained. I don’t want to fight anymore. I just want to give up. Yet for some reason I feel slightly less suicidal. I guess it is because of this stupid DBT thing. I mean, I can’t say that I really believe in God right now but it feels like this was meant to happen. Idk what I believe really but I still feel that there is something watching out for me. I feel like things couldn’t just be random coincidence. Anyways, that is a whole other thing. Idk, I guess I feel like I happen to go to a school that has this DBT program that was basically designed for ppl like me. Apparently it isn’t exactly all that common of a thing to have. I guess in a way I want to try it. I guess knowing it is there means that I haven’t tried every options. I choose death because there are no other options. I have tried to kill myself because I didn’t see any other way out. Now I have this thing there. I honestly don’t see it actually working, but it is there. And even if I know the chances of it working are like non-existent I can’t fully convince myself that there is absolutely nothing. I still have that stupid part of me that is fighting to live. I am to the point that I hate that part of me. I guess I have hated that part before. I want to give up. I am exhausted. I don’t care anymore. I am to the point that I cannot physically cause myself enough pain without like mutilating myself. Strangling myself doesn’t even work anymore because it isn’t enough pain. I guess that is because I took it to the point of death. It was easier when it was more of an unknown. I could do it hoping in the back of my mind that it would kill me. Now I know the limit. I know what will kill me. I know how far I have to push it. So now I can’t just do it and hope I will die. I guess that is part of the reason that it frustrates me. I can handle the physical pain and it wont’ kill me unless I fully set out to do it. I mean, there could always be an accident but the chances are slim. Last time I did it I was literally sitting there wondering why I was doing it. I was fully present. I mean, I could feel the pressure in my head. The pain was there, but it is no longer unbearable. I could feel the pressure in my eyes. It felt like my eyes were going to burst, my head was going to explode, I could feel the pulsing of my heart in my head, yet it wasn’t nearly enough. My current mental anguish is beyond what I can physically match. Well, idk if I ever could match it. I don’t think I could ever really cause myself nearly enough physical pain to equal what I was feeling but I guess the death part helped. Putting my life in danger helped. I always had that hope that I would die. That I would “accidentally” go too far and it would be over. I guess that was part of the release. Idk how to describe it. Anyways, I see the psychologist tomorrow. I don’t know if I want to deal with medications but I guess right now I have to. I can’t deal with not being on them. It’s not that I don’t want them as much as I don’t want to fight. I am so sick of everything. I am so sick of struggling. I am so sick of trying to live. I fight every single day for something that I don’t even really want. I endure more pain on a daily basis than most ppl can imagine to fight for a life that I don’t believe in. What’s the point? I don’t believe that I can ever get better. I don’t believe that I will make it. I mean, I make a future for myself because I learned that it is stupid to just stop. I don’t know when I am going to die so I can’t just stop everything and wait for it. I have to continue until it happens. Everything must outwardly seem normal until it isn’t. Yet even though I work endlessly and suffer it all seems pointless. If I am going to die in the end what is the point of all this? I don’t mean the whole everyone is going to die thing, I know that, I mean that I won’t survive this. What is the point of having suffered one more day, or month, whatever before I die. In the end it wont’ matter. I will be dead and having prolonged that slightly longer will not change that. Idk. I am just so sick of everything. I feel like the idiot people are backing me into a corner. They are actually making it worse in order to protect themselves. Idk if they think they are helping or not, but it is so stupid. Now they have basically just taken away my options. They think that by making me go to counseling whether I want to or not is giving me options but it isn’t. And by making me sign a contract they are basically saying that it is counseling or death. They are trading my options for life to protect their liability. Because before I still had the option of stopping the whole thing and trying to survive which is what I was doing. I know that the chances of me surviving without the meds or counseling at this point in my life are slim but I have done it before. I mean, I lived for years without any of it. It is a lot harder for me right now because I was on the meds and then stopped but still. I made it through hell for years without anyone knowing. Now, just because they want to protect their liability, they have taken that option away. Which basically means that if this doesn’t work I am dead. They might as well shoot me themselves. So basically my entire life hangs on something that I don’t even think will work. I guess that will make it an easy decision if it doesn’t. I mean, if I stop the DBT program then I not only end any chance of getting mental health help, but I also destroy my future. I stop going and they call my mom and try to get me to go back. That obviously won’t do anything but make my life hell at which point I get kicked out of RIT. So I get to go home to nothing. I can’t deal with that. At that point I won’t even have the pretend future that I make for myself. I will have nothing left and death should come easy. If that happens I will do it here. There is no point in even trying to go home. I don’t want to put it on my mom either. I mean, she at least tried. I know that things didn’t work out well for me, but she isn’t necessarily a horrible parent. It would be the idiotic ppl here that would have killed me. I think I would write a note saying that too. Lol. I mean, if they are going to trade my life for protecting themselves then why should I care? Anyways, I should be writing an essay instead of ranting about how much the world is pissing me off right now. Oh, and as is pretty obvious, I have decided to start blogging again. I feel the need to do it. Partly to document stuff and partly as a way to rant. Not sure how long it is going to last but we will see. I can’t actually post this to my blog which sux. The stupid Nazis apparently can watch the sites I go to. I guess I should know that, but they said they would look for every sight I had an account on. They said they would look for blogs etc. I think I am going to just keep this stuff on my computer and then post it all at once when I get a chance to get an internet connection away from RIT. Anyways, I am going to attempt to work on my paper now. Hopefully I will at least get some of that done so tonight won’t be a complete waste of my life.